light

i never open my blinds.
my room is on the south side of the house.
i like natural light
but not piercing sunlight in the morning.

i don't like the stream of cold air
especially in the winter.

i like my warm room.
i like the yellow aura of light.

but the underlying reason,
that i hate my blinds open-
its a reminder.

a reminder that my best friend is gone.
i used to look out and smile.
to know she was there.

i used to open my window
and hear music playing
dogs barking
i heard my family.

i am sick today.
it was raining
i love rain
i opened my blinds
to see the water drops on the glass.

3 hours later i looked outside
it was dark.
i was then shocked by a sight.
which was surprising
because i knew it would happen.

there was a light in her window.
except she wasn't in the room.
the new neighbors are here.
but they will never be family.
i can't call it their house.

because the memories i keep
of that house
don't involve them.
they are kind visitors.
not residents.

i look at a reminder every day
but night is a time
that i can at least pretend.

maybe i will close my blinds.
they are called blinds for a reason.
i don't want to open my eyes
to the fact
that you're gone.

it's been awhile

i wish i spent more time to write.
i wish i spent more time to reflect.
i wish i spent less time updating my facebook status.
masking my thoughts into a one sentence summary.

i think i find a home in doing that
because if people ask
i can lie
i can say i'm quoting a song
i can say it means nothing.
more than half that ask believe me.

which is a little disappointing.

i mean, i guess there is a reason i do this.
why i hint at my emotions
i have a feeling that i need people to know
but i am too self conscious to lay my emotions on the line

i am too secretive to tell what i am thinking
but that is also because i am unsure.
i am never convinced about anything
i would describe myself as indecisive.
which i believe directly correlates with not knowing oneself.
when do we know that we have met ourselves?

because no one lives in our minds.
people say they can know others inside and out
but i find this highly untrue
we all change so frequently
how could we ever keep someone updated?
we have our most personal thoughts
and our unconscious needs.
these change in regards to our environment
our environment constantly changes
so what in life can we consider our constant?
our "control group" per say.

if everything changes, everything renews
how do things stay the same?
is it because we conform to ideals?
do we ultimately strive to conform to our:
stereotypes, cliques, jobs, family?
and for those considered "independent"
we are still giving ourselves that title.
we are choosing to be a "non-conformist"
but really, conforming to be that.

so if everything changes
nothing stays the same
if nothing stays the same,
how do we have common knowledge?
this common knowledge comes from titles
these titles have definitions
and we all live up to these definitions
if we don't fit,
we will find another
and we do this with or without knowing it

funny how the world works.

Happy (?) Birthday

Today is my birthday. I was surrounded by my family, friends, classmates, and given everything I could ask for. I woke up at 12am to my first birthday wish, I have 32 minutes left and I am still receiving wonderful messages.

But as my day progressed, this feeling in the back on my mind kept getting stronger and stronger. By the time I got home, I was in a really sad mood and I couldn't figure out why. After all, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! But then an hour later my question was answered. I got a call from my best friend.

Who moved away.

She sang in a high pitched voice, "Happy birthday!", but I could tell something was wrong. This conversation only led to how I constantly miss her, and she wants to come home. And I realized, this was the feeling that was creeping up on me all day. This feeling of the day being incomplete. I knew something was missing, and I was consciously trying to forget about the fact she wasn't here.

So my question is, why do we remember those we miss on the days we celebrate? For example, brithdays, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, etc. Even on our birthdays, we talk to over 200 people, isn't that a distraction? Or does it only exemplify the fact that those we love are missing?

By the time she had finished catching me up on her past few days, I couldn't even bare to stay on the phone. I was overwhelmed with sadness because I knew she wasn't going to be coming to dinner. She wouldn't be at my party, sharing my cake, or taking pictures of me and my family.

Days of celebration are interesting things.
We celebrate, but sometimes these days are the saddest of all.

Lyrics

There are always those few words.

When I hear them over and over,
It brings back everything.


Because I was finally getting over this.
But with the familiar tune came familiar tears.

I miss my best friend.

The Reality of Meerkats

Today I came across Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet. It is a cute show about the lives of meerkats and how they interact with each other. So while I was watching, getting sucked into the dramas of these small animal's lives, it dawned on me that this show was no different than any other human reality show. According to Wikipedia, meerkats are "very social, living in colonies averaging 20-30 members. Animals in the same group regularly groom each other to strengthen social bonds."

I was shocked at how the show was set up. The main characters have microphones around their necks and the narrator describes the play by play of each scene. To me, I found the events going on no different than the Real Life, The Hills, Rob and Big, or any other show. So if these 2 pound mammals act, communicate, fight, and love like these pseudo idols that we look up to, what does that make us the viewers? If this show about meerkats has been able to stay on tv, do we as a society watch it because they are cute, or because we can relate to their lives?

All reality shows are essentially the same, but with different characters and situations. Each show has the definitive roles that must be played. The girl next door, the bad boy, the daredevil, etc. How is it possible that these roles can be found in Meerkat Manor? Do the meerkats themselves see these roles in their societies, or are their brains too basic to understand their social standings? Do we as Americans now create these labels for everyone and everything? In every movie, band, tv show, book, we have these roles. So why do we call reality tv real? What is real about being able to predict that the ending, and the actions of all the characters? Have we become so used to these roles that we now have a warped sense of reality? In Meerkat Manor, are the things going on even real? How do we know that what is on our tv screens isn't just more fabricated bullshit? Maybe meerkats are just animals. Nothing more. They are not reality stars and do not conform to these molds that the media has made for them.

I believe that all of the people willing to go on these shows are just as helpless as these meerkats are. They have no say in how their lives will be projected to the rest of the world. If America doesn't want to see Wilson succeed, well then lets tell the viewers Wilson died. Lets continue lying and still call this reality tv.

So when reality tv isn't real, what is?